Live life

 Working ppl have very little time to enjoy themselves. We work in the day, work after work. A promotion means nothing but more work. I used to think that when the pay increases, the work decreases, unfortunately, the workload also increases, with more responsibilities.

Always there will be a time when u will question ur choices..

Did I did the right thing in doing my task?
Was saying No to the client a right thing?
Is this what I want to do forever?
Was it ok to sacrifice a meet for work?

We, humans always think before we decide, think during making the decision and after making the decision. Also we complain throughout the process.

For me, a decision no matter how much the pros outweigh the cons or even the pros and the cons are equally in value, I would try to make a decision that I would regret the least, even if the least is 1%. That 1% less in regret does matter; you have to worry 1% less.

Nowadays, where stress reigns supreme, having 1% less stress is a boon. Yes, I would be forever in doubt of the things I do or even complain of why I did make the decision that would make my life a bit better but I would be forever plague by that 1%.

Ppl can blame you or chide you for making a dumb decision but its your life, yours to make it better, a bit more relaxing or vice versa. Never use others as a reason to what you are doing, never blame others for the mistakes that were made knowingly or unknowingly, if you want to give advice, give it freely, do not expect others to follow or acknowledge that you were right at some point. Most importantly, do not have a grudge, life is short even for love so why waste it for a grudge.

Of gays and relationship, work

 

 
    My blog is not dead... it's just hibernating or rather having spasms whenever I feel like writing my thoughts down.

Work has been a major aspect for me for the past 2 years. To be able to work and have own money to spend is a nice feeling,finally being wean away from the pa & ma fund. Now I just need to control my spending. Having your own money regardless the amount is really nice.. yes, spending parents' money is nicer but I guess the feeling of having sumting without being subjected to control is nice.

Yeah, am to used to being control to get things.. more no of you have to do this my way to have this from Le Dad. Nowadays, it's more of if ur a good son, you will do this for me or give a bit of your pay to me.. the a little bit means 3/4 of my pay to my parents, not saying that I don't do that but what they want from me is never enuff..

Getting married, buying the house next door, getting them a vacation is what a filial son would do.. unfortunately, I am not. I do not want to get a house next door just because they have a grand idea of showing off their wealth to others or expanding the house just to accommodate more ppl. We do not talk to each other enuff in this house and you want to get a bigger one...

Have been keeping quiet in the gay world for quite some time, nowadays, it's just me calling up or meeting up close friends for tea or coffee.. do not want any attention anymore, after all the gay world is full a DRAMA; u hate me cos I have a nice bf, u hate them cos they have nice bodies, they hate u cos of ur extrovertness, I hate you cos of u being pretentious. The cycle never stops until you take urself out, but again, ppl have always a lot of things to talk about even when you are dead.

Till next time


 

5 may 2013

Elo,

       In less than 24 hours, we will be selecting our new govt, our new servants for the ppl.

Who am I going to vote for?

I am going to vote for stronger Malaysia, a Malaysia that can tolerate racial differences, a Malaysia who is not corrupt, a Malaysia who cares, a Malaysia who does not reward ppl cos of the ties that those might have  with the ppl in power but rewards those who had worked hard, sacrificed their time to be successful.

I want a country that I can be proud of, whose facilities are used by its citizens not by ppl who come here to make their families back home richer. I want to enjoy peace and harmony.

I want a Malaysia that is not divided into racial groups, I want a Malaysia that is united. I want a Malaysia that is respected.

About coming out

A few years ago, I felt that coming out or going out of the closet is the greatest thing that I am going to do, telling my frens that I am gay is so wonderfully nice, finally I can be myself, no need to play around with words that I am dating a guy or make up things about my make-up girlfrens or boast to them that I had tasted pussy before. (yucks, i know).

Telling them that I am gay brought up other issues like which lecturer u like or wanna do or do I want to have sex with my guy frens and etc which was pointless pointless, I was like hey, am telling u that I gay so that u can understand why I do not get hyper when u talk about pussies and all not to tell u that I would like to get sweaty and etc.

Although they asked all these kind of questions and more like how do gays do it, they understood why I told them that I am gay. None of them bocorkan my secret which was an important thing cos my parents' shop is like 20 mins away from the uni. (I LOVE U GUYS, EACH AND EVERYONE OF U).  The fact that I am gay only got to the student body, itu pun not all of them knew and a few lecturers knew about it.

Most of them reacted either:

1) Wow, ur gay? but u are not a softie

2) So... what's the big deal of u being gay?

3) Omg, ur gay, stay away

All of them understand that being gay is does not make me any different from the person that I was before.

Yeah, there were some who were not happy that I was flaunting gayness but who cares, I have super frens

The Journey to the West

 Just got the chance to watch this movie by Stephen Chow. The actor, Wen Zhang who was playing the lead is cute, uber cute.

 Not going to talk about the story much except that its nicely made and in tuned with Stephen Chow other works, the cinema was in laughter most of the time and the tragic part is 100% despair, u could really cry. A job well done.

  Anyway, the story touched my emotions for much.. Tang SanZang as portrayed in the movie is an unique demon killer. When every demon killer is boastful of his/her own skills, he tries to see the goodness in the demon and try to bring the goodness out. Yes, its full of Buddhism values which I love.

  He does it by singing nursery rhymes given by his master but unfortunately due to his lack of understanding love, he could not unleash his powers. In the end, he gets enlightenment and could unleashes the true of the 300 nursery rhymes which is actually Buddha Sutra and defeated the Monkey King by summoning Buddha.

 The reason why I like Buddhism much like other religions, it teaches of control; yes, u can unleash all the rage u want but limit the pain inflicted. To kill a person is easy but to make that the person understand is hard.
 
   The last few lines of the movie, " Love is love, there is no lesser or greater love, love is equal. To love a person is the same as to love God."

   To say "No" is easy, to say " No but we can do this" is hard. To be immersed in work is easy, to be captivated by Love is easy, To be drunk in Fame is easy but to limit each component is hard.

  Yes, I love work, I love being loved, I love my name to be in top journals but  I would like Life to be the main focus of my life. I do not want to lose a second, telling myself that I have to work to secure more time with my loved ones, I have to work cos more work means more money means that my loved ones could be supported. I do not want to have the worry that my Love could be taken away at any time nor I want to think that I do not deserve to be this happy/contented with my life, things can be awry at anytime.

 Everything is nothing, Nothing is Everything

ps: I do not presume that I know everything cos no one can know everything. I just know a lot.
pps: The views in this blog is of my own, if its wrong then teach me to be right about it.

Gym part 2

  Its has been like 4 mths that I started gym at Celebrity Fitness, Sunway. Oddly, the gym has been kind to me, no admin probs and so, the trainers are wonderful; been taking a few private lessons on building various muscle groups. Its funny that they let me fondle their biceps and abs to keep me motivated and sometimes fondle mine 2. :P

  When a gay guy goes to gym, many would say that he is looking for cocks and not for working out. I go to gym for working out je, I swear seriously.. but gym showers are gym showers, I would not lie if there were one or 2 or 6 encounters of ppl wanting to give extra services while showering. But yeah, I go to gym for gym not 4 sex. (Ichi is not itchy)

 Anyways, I do like what I see; the changes on my body but would like to speed it up a bit, still flabby a bit and my legs are getting slender, not a nice thing.

 Hopefully, this habit becomes a routine.

Negativity

   Little do I realised that from waking up till sleep, I cursed a lot, the word "fuck" is my favourite word. Do u that "Fuck" can be used in many forms, it can be a subject, a pronoun among others.

   Looking at the posts in facebook especially in the mornings, u could see that ppl would post sumting like jam at federal, shitlah or ktm comes late, damm you. We would never see a person post, " its packed on the federal but if you are lucky, u could see the moon and the sun over the horizon, or "the KTM is late, but there are plenty of eye candy around."

 Yeah, I am not a positive person but why do we need to worry about things that are beyond our control. Idiots will stay idiots, the sun will rise on the east, the moon on the west.

  When was the last time you told the person that mans the booth that he is a wonderful fellow on doing his job? Never rite.

 We expect that ppl to be courteous but when do we start to be courteous to others?

 Being negative is nice but when u are too negative, things start to be negative. Being always positive is no good either, u start to burn out faster.

A quote from one of the dramas that I watched; Being a fairy is not a great thing cos when ppl stop believing that fairies exist, they die.

2012

 Yeah, its a bit late so sue me.

 2012 is remarkable year for me, it has taught me a lots of things that somehow let me get to know me better.

WORK

When working in research/science, u need to be skilled balancer; when ur too focus in work, u have the tendency to lose control and submit fully to work. Work is supposed to be fun but when ur rushing for deadlines, protocols gone wrong or some equipment malfunction, things can be kinda hectic. 

Sometimes, its exciting to talk about science 24/7 but sometimes it can be annoying to others. The worse part of working is when it starts to ur everything, the reason of why u get up in the morning, the reason of why u stay up late thru the nite. 

Life is more than getting good results, usable data, sound protocols. Scientists everywhere is complaining that  the way we work is wrong, team heads are supposed to guide us to be more life-oriented not lab-oriented. 

1 year in research, I have lost so many friends, some of which that I am trying to savage and some I failed to do so. Sorry to those ppl who I lose contacts with, to those who are still there, who are understanding enuff, I love u so dearly.

In spite of this, would I be shifting my focus to others fields that are less demanding, I doubt so. This is my dream, this where I want to be.  

LOVE

A topic that I do not fail to talk about. Yes, I am still looking for it. In 2012, I have been dating with a few ppl that I think that are suitable for me to be my life partner but sometimes its funny how things worked out.

Sumtimes, we have accept that sumtings are not yet for us; it does not mean that we are weird, coward or not trying but Time plays an important role. So let it be,everything has a time and place, no need to push it or delay it.

PERSONAL

With so many things on my plate, its not hard to want to just push the kill switch and be a lifeless person for a  long period of time. Gym has been great, playing games to release tension is nice but nowadays, I just love to  spend time doing things on my own. 

Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times

Why do we fall in love so easy

Even when it's not right

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

WORK

 How many times I have promised myself that I will not make work my main objective of life... Each time that I see the posts of my frens' in fb about work, I swear that I will not be them.. I will not be those ppl who have be stuck with work even on the weekends, refusing to meet ppl for a cup of coffee cos of experiments, cancelling family cos of the supervisor needs the data for the experiments done.

Yes, the end results are sweet, u get a cert, u get a title but does the rewards outweigh the price? The long hours that u spent just to get an objective done or to explain of why your results are like that.


Rite now, there are plenty of things that are going in my brain, shuld I just quit or wait a while longer...

Good bye, my fren

  The 1st time that I saw you, u were on the bed in one of the hostel dorms in a sec sch not far from UIAM, Kuantan. We were there for a national symposium for biomed students that lasted for the weekend. Diligently, u were studying for exams which were to be held during the following week.

My 1st thought of you was, " man, this guy is a typical ipta student.Studying all the time, must a smart guy." Mind you, I was a part of a small team of starry-eyed students from a totally different background from the majority. Heck, we drove ourselves there instead of having a university bus to send us there like u and the rest.

Then, u smiled and we introduced ourselves to each other. After that, it was my turn to iron some clothes and straighten my looks for the big day. No matter what happens, I want to look nice for the symposium.

The activities of the day loomed, bored by others, I joined your group and tried to do some networking.

After the 1st day, both of us were looking for quiet places to study. Both were shy as we were looking for common ground..

After the weekend, we promised to add each other in FB which we did, try as we may, we kept in contact with our irregular and infrequent msgs. I found that we had similarities and we had differences; u like to explore, travel alone and meet new frens, u play music. The thing that I liked the most was ur patience and ur tolerance of ppl.

In FB, we even pulled a prank with ur fellow frens, making them believe that I am one of ur lecturers cos my nick and his name was the same.

Dear fren,
 After a while, I sense a change in u, although none would tell, I told myself that u will tell me if its vital. And u did, when we were chatting in Mcd for hours.

You were always listening to my worries and sumtimes, I wonder if its fair. Although, I was frantic for ur health, trying to give the best advices on other stuff. You always have that smile, that pure smile, free of worries and etc.

As I bought a smartphone a few mths back, our chats increased and whenever I could, I tried to make time to see u and spend time with u. We even made plans to travel 2gether when everything is settled. And also you wanted me to help with ur FYP.

When you were admitted, I smuggled you out for a date and to the korean restaurant in Amcorp Mall, I brought u. Thinking back, ordering a spicy ramen stew was NOT a good idea. :P
You were sweating after the 2nd bite. But u finished the whole thing. Hahahaa...

Work made me to lessen my msgs with u.. even though, with work, I keep a thought for u, thinking that there is and will be a 2morrow 2 continue our little chat. My true regret is not being to talk to you as often as I would like, just empty chats without any reasons to have 1 and make them as long as possible without any disruptions.

Truly, I am blessed with your presence in my life, I just wished that it was a little bit longer, just a little bit. Each minute, I spent with u was and will always be priceless. There are no words that I use to describe those moments that we spent in the hospital lounge, talking and laughing, complaining......

Dear fren, thanks for everything. Do make a place for me and keep playing ur ukulele in that eternal paradise.

With lotsa love always,
Ichimaru Akira

Gym and others stuff

 Been 2 gym for 1 week de. So far, so good.. I feel nice after work-out but its hard for me to sleep due to the hormones and etc. Got myself a gym partner. Although, we have different aims, its nice to have someone to go to the gym with... maybe, I will try to get to know more gymers in the future..

Primary goal: lose 10 kg
Sec goal: get some man-boobs, the solid kind.

___________________________________________________________________________

Its funny that I have 10 unpublished posts.. things that I try to write but somehow it does not feel rite yet, the adjectives, nouns and adverbs used are wrong, the posts do not reflect my thoughts.

Tried dating others since the break up but somehow, no matter how I do it, the results are still the same. Maybe I am too screwed up.. hahahaha.. ppl say that I am nice but why do I feel that I am evil inside.

Recently, I was going after a guy, not to say that he is cute or what.. but I feel super attracted to him.. maybe he reminds me of me.. weird, social misfit.. lolz. In the end, the best path to take is to just be frens with him, I do not want to lose frens cos of matters of the heart.

Maybe I shuld stop dating, just focus my happiness. Easier said than done huh?

Many would be happy to have some, some would be just as happy to follow the guys' method or be happy to have sex.. I do not feel that way; I do not feel the need to use methods, money and games to keep a guy with me.. maybe I am still naive of how this world works... Life would be some much simpler if I was born in 1700s-1800s..lolz..

The definition of being a guy or girl eludes me.. Why do society give leeways for girls to do some things while  restricts guys from doing others..

Anyhow, I feel that absolute happiness or rather absolute contentedness is not for me.. The hole that He left will never be filled. 

5

  Recently, I met a few wonderful and interesting guys. They are 1, 2,3, 4, and 5. Each have taught me a few things about Love.

Saying I like you or I love you is easy. You can say that to anyone. Falling in love is also easy, you need time and a bit of money and lotsa appeal. But staying in love? Could you stay in love with the same person, accepting their flaws, their stupidity, their weird likes and dislikes and be there when they are at their lowest?

No 1 taught me that Love has no limits.. so what if the lover is sick and have a fragile health, I am here now with him. He may have a limited time but so what.. He loves me and I him. Should I ignore all the good memories cos he is dying?

No 2 taught me that Love is not a glue.. Understanding each other, accepting that he is not perfect makes the relationship work. He might farts in bed while he sleeps but again, my cooking sucks, should we just call it quits?

No 3 taught me that Love needs sincerity, He may be rich, he may be ok with me sleeping with others, he may be ok with me spending his money on other guys but he still is there when I need him the most, not those boys who I randomly pick for a good time.

No 4 taught me to love a person purely for who he is, he maybe loud, he may do then think.. but that is the guy who I pick to spend time with.

No 5 taught me how Love does not need time. We may be far, we may be busy but in that moment when we are together, we are sync

Progress

I am currently doing my masters on cancer research, focusing on drug discovery. And I swear that I will kill the next guy who said that my work is super hard and high level thingy. Trust me, I have killed before.

Anyway, the work is not that hard when ur enjoying urself with it. I hate those ppl who post TGIF on Fridays; pleaselah, if u hate ur job then change it, do not go and bitch about it.

Ok2, back to story, the project is a multi-part project. Yes, I can do my Phd and Postdoc with the project if  I want 2 and the powers that be still want me 2.

Right now, I am focusing on whether the drug works aka Part 1. In part 1, there is 3 parts. I just completed part 1.1.1, part 1.1.2 and part 1.1.3 is awaiting optimization; a word that I hate.

Hopefully, I can start part 2 and part 3 next year, if everything is there and everything is perfect then I might finish it by 2014.

So wish me luck guys. Hopefully I won't go crazy any time soon.

Wide awake

Criteria

 Below are some conditions to consider in getting a bf

1) Looks

Do u need a good looking Bf? Average looking or twinky like? Buffed? A shorty or a tall guy?

2) Age

Old? Young? Someone in his mid-40s ? or young ones who just finished high school?

3) Income

Has an active income or passive income or still relies on his parents for allowances?

4) Maintenance

want some1 with high maintenance or someone with a low maintenance ?

5) Distance

Long Distance? Short Distance? Next door neighbor?

6) Intellect

Smart or sohai? medium or high IQ?

7) Performance

Good in bed? Kinky? or plain boring?

And the list goes on and on and on... Bottomline is u can be picky and get no one or realistic and get someone but again there is NO one who can deliver everyting that u need and want.

For me, as long as HE could fulfill my NEEDS, i am HAPPY

Reflections

 It seems that most of the recent posts are multiple entries, am sorry about that. I have limited time nowadays to sit down and pen my thoughts.

1) Update on Masters

The devil is in the design. Every bit and every experimental protocol is inspired by the papers that I read. Most of them are like parts and pieces of multiple journals. The good news is so far (fingers crossed) I have done it correctly with 10% improvement.

Some how,its going to be a mega project but see how it goes. The devil is in the design.  Maybe will push for conversion to PHD in the next year or so. God willing.

To those who wants to do POSTGRAD, do it BUT DO NOT COMPLAIN about ur Sup or the hardwork needed or the long hours, HANG IN THERE, read more, enjoy life more. Ur brain needs rest but most importantly, choose the right frens or lab partners and settle one prob at 1 time. Remember u choose to do ur PostGrad, NO ONE forced u to do it.

2) Singlehood

The most important question ever; do u still date? erm, erm... hard to answer that. I do date sumtimes with different ppl at different times. I think for the past year, I have gone out and tested waters with at least 12 ppl
(?). Some were just flings, some more that than but somehow it just fizzled.
Too many factors against it like :
a) he is interested in someone else
b) distance
c) I am too ugly
d) he belongs to someone else

Although sumtimes, I do put my hopes too high.. I have no regrets in doing so. At least, I know what I like; a matured gentleman who is a whore in the bedroom. (too much to ask?)


3) New frens

Let's see now, I have met with a lot of bloggers and Fb frens (yeay me). Some are nice, some are weird, some are adorably cute. I do hope that I behaved good in front of them, enuff to leave an impression.

4)  Peace

I do not know if u know especially those in my FB, I have sorta made peace with one of my Ex (?). key: He was prominently displayed in my blog. Frankly, I am at fault too and I am sorry for that.

Multiple

Once again, this will be a multiple entry post... too little time to write everyting separately I think....

1) Being popular

Again and again I stress, if u wanna bitch about me, be truthfully about it... DO Not just tell ppl about what I have done but also tell others what lead to the event...I guess kids will be kids and too much chatime bubble tea will damage ur brains... Anyway, thanks for giving me a post..am quite honored :P

2) Work?Masters

My project has exploded (in a good sense). My work is being expanded to clinical trials which will happen in 3 yrs time.. Personally, I think I deserved it.. The hours that I put it is abnormal; my lab is my home.

Recently, I attended a conference at Concorde,KL. The conference is about using lab animals for translation  meds; using animal models to mimic human response toward meds or diseases. It was a nice conference, not too big and not too small.. Everyone knows each other very well.Heck,some ppl know me before I introduced myself.. Being in a small community has its perks;u know what each other are doing. The best thing is I got 3 potential job offers while talking with the sifus.

Maybe will go Bangkok for AFLAS 2012..see how is my budget... so many offers...

HIM

 Been pursuing someone lately.. Not a new person per say, he is someone that I have been going out with every now and then  since I was staying in Ampang last year. So far, nothing had happened... There is one question that he keeps on asking that I cannot answer well... Why do I like him so much?

Erm.. honestly.. I do not know of why... maybe becos of him being caring to animals or of his cute smile? of the weird sounds he makes? or when he pouts when things do not go his way? or of the useless quarrels we had especially on things that he can buy cheaper. Or his way of doing things with full of vigor and expression.  

But I do know that I do not like his moody times.. his sad face..

Just One Day

  Sumtimes, I wondered if I could spend a day with u, just 1 day, just 24 hours to show u how much I care for you.. To be able to spend 1 day completely with u, with no disturbances or distractions from others. Just us for 1 day..

I am not those type who will pursue a matter till death or would show how much I like you with presents or organize an event..

I wonder if I have 1 day with u, maybe u will change ur mind about me or the very least know who I am when we are not in front of a bunch of ppl who despises our kind. I am afraid of what They might think or who I might encounter. As strong as I am, I am still weak when dealing with Them.

Just 1 day, I ask, nothing less, nothing more. Just 24 hours.

I might not show a whole new world to you... maybe just the Me who fears losing you.

I wonder if making you to be close to me could achieve anything.. I love teasing u especially when u make those silly noises.

Having 1 day with u, it may change nothing...it may change something...

Maybe its true that I am the last guy u may think about.. cos u have hidden that smile of urs from me..

Should that chance come, that u grant my wish, of being with u for one day.. I wonder if I'm lucky enuff to think that it may come true..

Many ppl had asked their lovers of why they were picked... To answer that, I need to know how can I make u mine.........

I wish that u will give me 24 hrs..just a day.. nothing more, nothing less...

Lose

  These days, my life have been evolving around my lab and home plus a few moments when I chat with a few frens on FB and Hp. When I am at the lab, I work... When I am at home, I work... There seems to be no breaks in between both places, WORK is my main task.

 In the Lab, I work to get my Masters and to ensure that my mice is living a happy life before I use them for experiments. At Home, I need to settle my Dad's shop plus a few sessions of reading papers that I had gathered during the day.

Having Work as a main point is tiring especially when things happened unexpectedly. My lab's AHU broke down due to an electrical surge therefore spent a major part of the day to move them to rooms that have air-con. Yeah, my mice are fussy, they need a room with a temperature of 22 degrees Celsius or else they will start to eat their pups or die which is a no no for me. Then, came home and I need to settle stuff that my bro neglected to do. Argued with the parents... somehow,its easy for them to say that we only disturb u on the weekends je.

I need to rest, to unwind my brains, to stop thinking.. literally be in a comatose state to reset and reboot for the week ahead.

To enter that comatose state, I do not need to be on a bed/ watching Tv (it does help though). I just need a place to throw my worries away or a person who will just blab without me having to solve their probs or hear the same punchline over and over again.

U know the feeling that u get when u hold that bantal busuk or ur blanket.. I need to recreate that in some way or method. Just lose myself in oblivion without caring if my words will hurt others or how ppl may affect me. That safe feeling is lost when u get older, carrying more responsibilities.

Goal for the next 6 mths: find somewhere/something/someone that could give me the security to lose myself