Blackbird, blackbird singing the blues all day Right outside of my door. Blackbird, blackbird why do you sit and say There's no sunshine in store? All through the winter you hung around. Now I begin to feel homeward bound. Blackbird, blackbird gotta be on my way Where there's sunshine galore.
Lately,we had suffered a lot of losses in the entertainment world,MJ and our very own talented Yasmin Ahmad.
Frankly,I know little of Yasmin Ahmad but I have at least admired her works such as Sepet,Gubra and Mukhsin. Talent Time is on my list on dvds to buy. Truly,her work is amazing.I was bored of Malaysian films especially those which came with part 2,3 and 4 and those who bank on the popularity of celebrity couples like Erra and Yusry. To me,these films are empty in meaning........
Then I watched Sepet. The story was beautiful,it portrays Malaysia's culture and social life. I saw how Armani acted as a Malay girl who loves the cultures of others.I saw me in her. We saw the abusive dad of her Chinese bf who repented,we saw how the bf took responsibility of his unplanned child with his ex and we saw how two hearts of different races became one.
I said to myself that we have found a replacement for P.Ramlee in her. Her death was unexpected in many ways,she was out to conquer the world and plus she was at the height of her career but sadly God wanted her skills more............
I wonder what it takes for u go out with me? I wonder what it takes for u to call me? I wonder how long it takes for me to finish reading these notes? I wonder if I shuld take a sabbatical? I wonder if I can survive the next 1.5 mths without a car? I wonder if I'm on the right track? I wonder how it feels to be relax? I wonder whether I shuld delete ppl on my frenslist? I wonder when I would stop waiting for ur smses? I wonder who I shuld bug next? I wonder who are being genuine in their feelings and who are not? I wonder who are sincerely honest? I wonder when MJ will stop being the focus of the media?
I wonder..................
Too much things in my mind to write a proper post these days.
Every person would go thru a phase of confusion,a phase where an individual sets his own principles,goals and identity. The duration and the timing for this phase varies for each person,some may had it earlier and some later.
This phase of confusion occurs more in homos than in heteros due to a major aspect of their lives which is sexuality. Many would think that sexuality is a minor thing but its actually a major body function and its a basic human need.
During puberty,many would at least experiment with sexuality and would have at least an homo encounter,let it be a hand job or anal encounter. Some would realized that they enjoyed the encounter and start to question their sexuality silently. Most would ignore this since we are in the East where we have strong gender identity,meaning our society had strongly implanted the idea of what a man is and of what a woman is. This way of thought is emphasized strongly in Islamic cultures.
I know some homos who had a hetero-relationship and some heteros who had a homo-relationship. This conclusion of their sexuality is based on their experiments and their acceptance of their identity. Although,there are some who decided wrongly or had been influenced by their social groups in their decision making. This particular group is doubly still in their phase of confusion.
Lastly,there is a group which doesn't have identity crisis meaning from an earlier age,they know that they are gay or straight,these ppl are the lucky ones. Why are they different? This is because of their maturity level,experience level and the exposure they have,let it be books or ppl.
As an conclusion,readers who are still confuse on their sexuality shuld experiment and read more on sexuality especially those who are still young. The readers shuld not decide on this just becos of one person or encounter.
3 days ago,at 1 am,I had an accident. My car was badly damaged, The damage estimate was about 50%. During that accident,I realised that the car didn't come with airbags,the only safety feature was the seat belts. Looking at the pics of the accident,i realised that I was lucky to survived it.
Earlier that nite,I was having yamcha with the gang at pakli. After that,I decided to go the Mcd @ section 3 to buy shakes for my siblings.I used the road from section 7 to the roundabout at sec 2 (BulatanBestari) .Then tragedy stroke.........
The car was in the roundabout,resting at a 90 degree angle,the front was in the drain which divides the road divider and the bushes. The only ting in my mind was to get out of the car.I was so blur that I forgot to switch off the engines and lights. A motorcyclist stopped and asked me whether I'm okay and offered help to call anyone that I need. So I called my best fren and my dad.Then we went to the police station to file in report and the rest is mundane.
Why I said that I'm lucky?
1) The car's fuel tank is full 2) I didn't get any bruises or broke any thing 3) The car didn't somersault 4) No one got hurt
Now I realized that my life is valuable and there is more to life than this............
I thought of writing sumting heavy here but I'm so tired and not enuffbraincells to spare so I'm writing humour here.For the past 3 days,I been driving and having fun with the alphabets on the cars plates,below are my findings:
Have u ever feel suffocated by the different circles of frens u have? Well,I'm feeling suffocated with the number of circles of frens that I have now. I'm failing to maintain the equlibruim between the circles of frens that I have and sumtimes wish that I could emerge all of it into one.
The ME now is different form the ME 1o yrs ago,during my secondary school years,I only had 4 frens (sad rite.I always have probs with trusting others) but now the number of frens had expanded into lists which are divided into:
Each list is then divided into sub sections,I mean there are some frens that U can tell everything and some that u can only tell partial stuff and there are some frens that can't mixed with the rest cos of difference in their thoughts and opinions.
There are times that I just want to cut ties with those who really aren't important but doing that I'll revert to the old ME which means I'll be breaking my promise with HIM. Sigh,maybe the path that I must take will be reveal to me soon.
There is sumting that I going to say which doesn't relate to this post of mine. I have been having the same dream for some nitesde...........
The dream is more like a collections of old memories with HIM,about stuff that might have happened if I had said YES to HIS questions 3 yrs ago and those stuff that had happened between me and HIM. The weird part is when I woke up after having this dream is always during the nite and I swore that I could smell HIS favourite perfume which is Aramis (Yes,that is that one that have a distinct scent and few could tahan it.I always told HIM not to wear it when I'm around).Is this a sign from HIM?
Everyone who has a myspace or facebook account knows this application or one of its counterparts.Sadly to say,I'm hooked on this application. Yes,I know that this application is kinda dumb,just a few clicks and u level up,its not as exciting as playing those flash games or Red Alert but I think the creators had put a spell on this application cos there are over 4 million facebook users that uses this application.
Mafia wars is based on the Mafioso of New York which is created by ZYNGA,the jobs that u need to do in order to level up are actually crimes.For example to get 15 exp,u need to steal a painting from a museum.The higher ur level is,the bigger the crime,u need to commit. The crimes that you do is limited to ur energy bar.
You also can earn money by buying properties like a restaurant or even a casino. rite now,I have about 93 casinos. The money that u earn can be used to buy items and health. Then u also can fight other mafia families,this is also limited to ur stamina bar.
One negative thing about this application is u need to send invites in order to increase the number of ur family. The advantage of having a bigger family is u'll be able to win more fights.The disadvantage is those in ur frenlists may not want to play it and you'll start to go to the forums and add strangers from there and therefore u'll end up with a huge frenlist and mostly are strangers. Unlike Little Prince,I tried to control myself from adding ppl into my frenlist but sadly my control is waning. Oh yeah,One more advantage of getting ppl into ur family is u'll get limited items or money bonus.
The funny thing is I tried playing the other games that ZYNGA had created like fashion wars or street racing but I found that they are kinda lame or maybe its cos of its in the same format like Mafia Wars.To me,repetition is dull.
So pls consider this as an invite for those who have facebook and playing this game,Pls add me at shah_plu85@yahoo.com.
Its nice knowing u,MR Faker but now I know the truth about u,I have to say goodbye cos u aren't interesting anymore. Hope You'll be truthful to ur readers in the future.
Everyone has their own way to deal with probs,some will go into denial,some would project their miseries and some would be stuck in their fantasies.
In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, Defence Mechanismsare psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life. An ego defence mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected. The purpose of the Ego Defence Mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.
In layman's terms, defence mechanisms are the way that ppl handle problems. These defence mechanisms are divided into 4 categories which are:
1) Lvl 1 defence mechanism
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These three defences, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy to others. These are the "psychotic" defenses, common in overt psychosis. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as healthy mechanisms.
They include:
a) Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimulus by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
b) Distortion:A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
c) Delusional projection Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
2) LVL 2 Defense mechanism
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in teens.These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defenses are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defenses are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defenses is normal.
This includes:
a) Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
b) Projection:It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
c) Hypochondriasis: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
d) Passive Aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively.
e) Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
f) Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
3) LVL 3 defense mechanism
These mechanisms are considered neurotic but fairly common in adults. Such defenses have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
This includes:
a) Displacement: Defense mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
b) Dissociation:Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
c) Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
d) Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects
e) Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defense can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
f) Reaction Formation: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
g) Regression:Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
h) Rationalization:Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
4)LVL 4 defence mechanism
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, while still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.
This includes:
a) Altruism : Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction
b) Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort
c) Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event while Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by witticism.
d) Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
e) Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
f) Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
G) Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them
I hope this post would help the readers identify their lvl of defence mechanism so that they could learn more about themselves. As for me,I'm a level 3
They say that the only thing that has an independent source of energy is the SUN and it miraculously supports the whole galaxy.
I want to find my own SUN,the person who can give me support advise. I wish that I can rely on myself to endure the cold and lonely nights but I'm not a superman. I need someone to worry about me,I want to come home to him. I want to love that person without worrying about him leaving me. I'm tired of sleeping alone.
Will the cold days end,will I see a rainbow,will that SUN ever appear on my horizon?
I always lie to myself that a person needs a good circle of frens and family to support him thru the darkness but in reality,u only need one person to support u during the hardest of time especially when living seems to be pointless,when each step u make seems to be heavier than the previous one.
My SUN,pls come into my life,shine me with hope and erase this dark moments of my life.
I'm disappointed with the Gov's decision which was to stop teaching Science and Maths in English and revert back to teach the 2 subjects in BM instead.
My SPM batch was the 1st to answer the question using English to answer the questions. The exam paper was in 2 languages ( the questions in Bm would be on the even numbered page and on the odd page would be the translation of it). I remembered the teachers taught us the terms in Bm and BI so we would able to answer the exam papers later.
To me,its kinda sad cos in reversing this policy of teaching Science and Maths in English is actually making BM impure.As some of u know,the scientific terms in BM are just a direct translation from BI.For an example, TEKNOLOGI=TECHNOLOGY or OKSIGEN=OXYGEN. They didn't do much to get a new word in BM. Another example,UNIVERSITY=UNIVERSITI, for this term,there is a better word for UNIVERSITY which is MENARAGADING but very few ppl uses this term. Some of the lingual purists would agree with me that this a bad move and we will suffer in the long term.
Another thing,the decision to revert or not should lie on the schools,parents and students,after all,they are the ones that are being affected the most. Schools that can implement the policy shuld be given a higher status that those schools who can't and the Gov. shuld help the latter.
Truly a sad thing to happen.
Ps: Sumtimes I don't comment on ppls' blog cos I don't trust myself with the words I use. So pls forgive me for not commenting
All of us had vanilla sex,the normal sex where kisses,BJs and fucking takes place. It normally follow a pattern each time and every time. Have u experienced kinky sex? Let it be bondage,role play or other type of fetishes that u secretly indulged in.
Well for me,my fetish is SM (Slave and Master). Basically,there are 2 people in this relationship,the dominant and the submissive. I love being the controller,to be able to control the will of someone,making him submitting to my will.
Many would find this fetish weird cos who would love being in a state where he loses control and accepts control someone else. At 1st,I too abhorred this fetish. I can understand if someone loves big feet or armpit or even role playing but SM is too weird for me. Then after having a Slave,I understood it.(my 1st slave was ex no 2).The power that u have over a person is intoxicating and highly addictive.
Lemme tell u how it works.Basically the submissive gives u control over his body and mind and the dominant has the power over the sub. Breaking someone physically is easy but mentally challenging,if ur too kind,he'll be taking advantage and if ur too hard on him,he'll rebel.
Currently,I have 2 slaves,one in Penang,the other in Subang. The Subang one is a 30 plus year old guy,he was easy to manipulate as he has experience but the Penang one is hard cos he was a straight guy and has zero experience.
Do I enjoy being a master? Yes,I do.The feeling that u get when u break a human's willpower is great. Just imagine,ur able to dictate his every move,u control his functions and u have power on him,absolute power.To me,its an art form,u need to have no emotions in order to be in control,ur voice and persona must project a powerful,almost god like image.
But as exciting it is to me,I have one singular rule for this,I never do it on my lover with or without his consent.
Ps: sorry,can't find any PG 18 pics on this PPs: come and share ur fetish if ur brave enuff,Muahahahaha
As some of u may know that I'm really easy to say yes to pleas of frens,asking them for my help,let it be spiritual,mental,physical or financial assistance especially if u do the puppy dog eyes. I can't say no to those eyes. Sumtimes I wish,I can say NO to things that would bite me back but what to do............
In May 08,I invited frens for my bday bash.The activities were simple,its just dinner and then Redbox. I belanjaed them the dinner and I said that we'll go by butch for the Redbox. But in the end,some thought that I'm paying for everything. Siao,rite? asking to me to pay for everyting? Even more siao,they don't know the meaning of "going by dutch". Lucky,got rich frens who could pay the extra. So there was a person who owe RM 150 (this includes the Redbox and small loans that he asked)
Yeah,I know that Rm150 is a small amount but there times that I need to use the money for important stuff like buying anime stuff or pay other loans.(Yes,I do borrow ppl's money but I would try settle it as fast as possible but usually,I refrain myself from doing that. No money,no talk rite).
Normally, a person would pay up or give excuses to prolong the loan time. I'm ok with that but this person is so selamba with his excuses.So far his excuses were, " I need to pay the rent","No money yet,my mum haven't transfer the money so I'm saving up for food" or "I used the money for gaming session"
Normally,I would give 3 months grace before pestering the guy for money but this guy I gave 5 months. I said to myself that he's a good guy,his dignity is worth more than RM 150. So after the 5 months,I asked him for the money,he said that he'll pay after getting a job at a hotel. Then after 2 months,I asked again,he gave me the 1st excuse that I mentioned. Then every month,I would ask him.I know that this sound desperate but that time,I owe someone money. Then,I upgraded to every time,we met,I would ask him for the money,I didn't care if he was with his gf,roomies or frens. The last time,we met,he said that he'll pay at least half in June and pay bit by bit and would settle it by Sept.
Recently,I met someone who is close to this bastard. He told that I'm a shameless bitch. When I heard that,I was like what the fuck,did I stole someone bf or what. He told me that I have been pushing this bastard to loan me money and etc. So in the end,I was like almost going into RAMPAGE mood. Just imagine,someone twisted a truth and you become the evil person,I'm sure that you would at least torture that person slowly by cutting his fingers using a penknife while boiling the hands and putting a bag of red ants on his honey coated groin and insert a pipe with nails embedded at the other hole.
Actually,I'm dammpaiseh to bitch about a close fren in blogs or have to ask a close fren to pay his loan in front of his gf or classmates. Do you think I would ask for it if I don't need it? One thing is for sure,I'm going to keep asking for the money and I'm going to delete him from my list of frens after he settled the loan.
I know that I promised a week of mourning but I really can't resist the urge to blog de.
28/06/09
I went to for my 2nd dental appointment for my braces,Al and Novack followed me there. I really am grateful that they were hardworking enuff to wake early and accompany me to the Curve. So after this appointment,I got 34 more appointments to go. (The price we pay for beauty).
After the dental appointment,Fairus and Sham joined us for TRANSFORMERS. It was a good movie lah,full of CGI and humour but they didn't focus much on character development and it wasn't fair to mix Terminator into it.
29/06/09
I went Yamcha with the guys as usual. When I got back,I watched HOUSE MD,the case was cool.The patient could not lie at all,whatever he said was the naked truth and Wilson had a traumatic past which explains why he is so helpful to others.
30/06/09
After classes,I met up with Al.We went to check out a restaurant in Sec 3.The name of the restaurant is Restaurant Gembira. We both had NasiLemak but since my teeth are still aching,I have to swallow all without chewing,lucky I got a lot of practice in this.
At around 12,As joined us for lunch at KedaiKopi near the Tasek Shah Alam.
At 2pm,sent Al back to his house and went back to wait for an important call to confirm a meet up at 4pm. Lucky,the call came early by an hour and I went to Pakli to meet with Mr Alligator. (hahhahaha)
I got to know Mr Alligator thru this blog and then in facebook. We spent a few times chatting in FBand we had met once before. This was supposed to be his Bday celebration but since I paid some textbooks and etc,I was broke. Oh yeah,we were supposed to celebrate it last week but Mr Alligator was down with fever and was suffering from gum infection and toothache so we had to postpone it till this day.
Mr Alligator is a cute guy although he tries his hardest to deny this but he really is a cute guy and he is taking a degree in Health field in another IPTS in Shah alam but he's staying in Cheras,so I need to think of his travelling time and level of tiredness to plan a meet.
We went to BukitRaja to watch Transformers,the odd thing is both of us admitted that we had alredi watched it b4 and just want to watch it to please the other party. :)
Ps: Dear readers,Could any of u tell me how to get a pure bred German Shepard puppy? I really need to now cos my happiness lies in the balance. Thanks
